Withheld compliments - how dangerous is that?

By 'restrained' we often immediately think of 'restrained anger', but in practice we see that compliments and appreciation are at least as often restrained. Why is this anyway? And how does it affect cooperation? In this blog, we dive a little deeper into the middle position on the Cooperation Scale: 'at yourself' and 'withheld'.

We all recognise it: someone does something, you think something about it and then you do nothing about it. Irrespective of whether your opinion is positive or negative. In one way or another, we often choose to hold back. Especially in situations where we do not (yet) experience sufficient (unconditional) trust, or want to avoid a painful moment. And is that wrong then, to hold back? That depends. In any case, you then have no influence on the cooperation. While any emotion you do express can actually be a reason to strengthen the cooperation. Both giving appreciation and making frustrations open for discussion contribute greatly to the cooperation. Even if it hurts at first.

So why do we hold back? In the case of irritation, we often hold back because we don't want to make the situation worse. We don't want conflict or an argument and so we hold back. Or you've said something about it so many times, but nothing ever changes anyway. And that's right. Saying nothing about it now won't change anything again. Or you don't feel safe enough in the team to express these kinds of feelings. Whatever the reason, holding back irritation has many adverse effects. You experience more stress, your body reacts to it (consciously or unconsciously), in your social contacts others will notice, your overall well-being deteriorates and absenteeism increases. Not to mention damage to productivity and results.

We sometimes hold back on compliments because we don't think it's necessary, or we just don't want to do it, or we find it exciting whether the other person can receive them. And yet (real) compliments can have many positive effects, both on the giver and the receiver and on productivity and results! A thumbs-up, saying 'thank you', 'nice that you wanted to do this for me', it's all free and energising. But what makes that there are teams where this does not happen? People get distanced from it and distant disadvantage soon follows.

In teams where we see people holding back and working in isolation, the cause is almost always a lack of connection and trust. We don't feel we can say everything and so we hold back. As a result, we become more distant from each other and that is precisely when it becomes more difficult to give appreciation and also feedback. We see this as a sliding scale and there is indeed a danger there.

Withholding is contagious, someone will have to break it. The interesting thing about these situations is that both those who are holding back and everyone else have something to do. Safety and connection are created together, so if one person doesn't feel safe enough to share an irritation, then you all have a problem AND something to do!

We often see it happen in training sessions that, when it appears that someone is walking around with pent-up irritation, that person is pointed out that he/she should have shared it earlier. What we then find at least as interesting is why he/she did not want/did not want to share it earlier. How did colleagues contribute to it (negatively)? And perhaps even more interestingly, what tips do you give to such a team?

We say: share more with each other! Not that you always have to say everything you think, but the very things that matter because they can help you as a team should be expressed and discussed.

Tips:

• Give, genuine and heartfelt compliments. And do it spontaneously, so don't wait for it. A spontaneously given compliment produces the most energy and also stays with colleagues the longest.
• Just agree: "We will be a better team if we also know from each other what we perceive as a positive contribution!" And even then, spontaneity remains important.
• Realise that by sharing your appreciation, there will also be room to hold each other accountable for what could be better. You create space for change and growth.
• When you experience irritation, you have to do something with it. If you do nothing with it, realise that it can turn into anger and frustration. Find a way to start the conversation WITH the person(s) affected.
• Withheld irritation works like a stamp book: every time you withhold irritation, you add a stamp. Until the stamp book is full. Finally, when people turn in 'their' stamp booklet, it may be because of something small, but a list of everything that went wrong before will follow. In other words - and here comes the tip - as soon as you see someone saving, or suspecting it, you too have something to do! Get the irritation on the table so that stamping is no longer necessary. It contributes to mental health.